On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
