I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Your penis caused this!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
