When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Houston, we have a blender
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
