Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
