What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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