The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
