I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
