Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
ugly people sure do ruin things
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
