I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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