You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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