Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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