Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
