i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
