Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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