This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
