The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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