Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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