Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
