Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
