It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
