By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
