Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i think my cat just said my name.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
