Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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