I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
