He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
