I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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