Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
