very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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