I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
