Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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