i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
