literally had 100 drinks last night.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
