i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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