making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
