Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
