am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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