Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
