I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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