If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
