I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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