would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
