Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
