Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
