Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
