i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
