Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
