Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
