why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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