Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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