my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
