He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
