She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
