I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
