this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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