Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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