I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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