explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
