saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
