no, he came in my armpit
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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