Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
