there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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