I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
